Monday, March 17, 2008

Labor & Delivery Pain Management

I can't believe my luck. I've had the very thing, the actual antidote to birth pain under my nose in my desk drawer this whole time!!!


Not only are there three distinct figures to impale with the unicorn horn of my own choosing, but the packaging comes with a copy of the Unicorn Code to guide me through rough and uncertain seas:

(My belief is that #5 has a missing addendum of "...unless they are in labor and then epidurals administered by board-certified and practicing anaesthesiologists are deemed appropriate as needed but NOT STREET DRUGS.")

But what really soothed my worries was remembering what the spiral horn's (#2) unique and magical powers will do for me when screwed on to Brad's righteous forehead...

"2) Spiral: illusion casting, super healing (i.e. turns blood into rose petals)."

EXACTLY!! Blood into rose petals! Could there possibly be anything more perfect? No, indeed not. Brad the Unicorn will sit in a very special place in the delivery room, turning all of that yucky blood into a glistening ocean of rose petals. If it all gets to be too much for me, I will whip out the chrome horn, which specializes in electromagnetism, speed reading and teleportation, and I'll teleport myself somewhere right cozy.

Special thanks to Krista, who knew I'd need Brad's protection and powers way over here and saw fit to provide me with his guardianship.


NotQuiteDanish said...

Oh, your room is going to look and smell beautiful! :)

NotQuiteDanish said...

BTW a friend of ours was in labour and said to the nurse, 'This isn't so bad, I can cope with this.' 'Well, you're not in the final stages yet.' 'Oh, how do I know when that happens?' 'When you lose the smile you have at the moment.' :(

kimananda said...

Hmmm...given a choice between blood and rose petals? Well, in my body, I'll take the blood, thank you very much. But outside of my body, some rose petals would be quite nice.

And...when are you due...I seem to recall that's it's rather before me, which means soon, yes? I check here occasionally convinced that you will have birthed little Thud already. :-)

Brindy Lindy said...

Erin, my dear, as we have discussed before, in order to use these magical powers, you will have to force yourself to actually take the toys OUT OF THE BOX. This will be good practice, as your little tyke will get most upset if he is never allowed to take his own toys out of their boxes!